Archive for October, 2009
Monday blues and insecurity
Posted by Jackson Lim in Emotional Inteligence on October 29, 2009
The title of this post sum up the feeling that I have right now, and in a weird way I feel much better to share it with the rest of the world who cares, that include my boss or my employer who is probably monitoring the Internet, Ops. I guess almost everybody experienced the feeling that I have right now at some point in their life. The moment I open my eyes this morning, I feel sick, not physically sick but emotionally sick. I feel like there is a ton of brinks waiting for me to carry, the feeling of dread is overwhelming. Even pulling away my blanket to get up feels like I have to slaughter a thousand men, my body is screaming at me not to get up. But I have to.
I stare at my face in the mirror, saw those lazy eyes and I feel like a bum. How can I allow myself to be lazy, how can I allow myself to be tired? Where is the energy I had? Where have it gone I wonder. Then I thought about a million things I have to do in the office, people rely on me to get things done. Yet I feel like there is no body who is backing me up, no body really cares about the little me inside, as long as I get the wheel turning. I know it is not true, people do care but how come I don’t feel the love? Maybe I am just asking too much. Put my cloths on and kick start my bike, I gotta say that it is the must interesting part of my day, when I ride my bike around the highway.
During the ride to work I contemplated on my feelings, why do I feel this way? What is the root cause of my problem? Saw the front door to my office and I still don’t know. Maybe it is something that will go away with time. But one thing is for sure, I need more sleep, a lot more sleep.
Moving up. Feeling Down
Posted by Jackson Lim in Career on October 20, 2009
I disappeared from the blogging world and totally lost touch with the technical side of things for the past 4 months, mainly due to the fact that my company headed for Capability Maturity Model Integration (CMMI) level 3 and I have recently move up the ranks. Now I am part of the middle managers dealing with Projects and People, yikes! To tell you the truth, I am still wondering whether I am up for the challenge because of my lack of experience dealing with people. So in recent months I’ve studied as much as I can on managerial books and I watch a couple of online courses on how to manage projects, to be honest, their material is pretty dry. I am used to Engineer’s quirks and smirks, non of that action there; Its all business English, statistics and MBA stuff.
I allow my head to be filled with pride and joy because I did it in such a short time, finally I have become a Project Manager! Not a PMP certified manager yet but at least half of my foot has stepped on the pedestal. I dissociate myself from the Engineering work and focused more on how to point and command, oh silly me. Before long, I lost passion in what I do, and I have essentially lost my goal and purpose by trying to fit into a role that doesn’t resonate with my inner geek. I realize that I am slowly morphing into the type of manager I despise just a few months ago. You know the type of manager I am talking about; bossy with no sense of respect for others, don’t really understand what people talked about, and the type of managers that only focus on the bottom line.
I have gotten so lost I even tried to pick up a new hobby, but finally I understand one simple fact about myself, I can never shed the Engineering skin from my life. Its hard to believe and understand but I really enjoy programming, deep down in my heart I know the science of programming is what keep me up at night, and the art of programming can put tears in my eye. Staring at codes while pulling my hair has been my routine for the past 5 years, I can’t just abandon the habit in a few days, it is impossible. I have to admit though, my skill in the art and science of programming is not as good as my peers, I am not good in math and algorithm either, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying what I do before so why should I stop now? People play Golf and Tennis as a hobby, I code. Who says managers cannot be technical? In fact I can even gain more respect from my subordinates and peers!
But don’t get the message that I dread being a Project Manager, hell no! It is my life long dream to be where I am today, it is just that I haven’t really fit in the role yet, I am still in the transition period. There are so much to learn in Project Management that could take me years and years to master, no body says it is easy.
I guess that makes me the luckiest man alive because I got my dream position at work, and I get to work on what I love at night. Since I will be managing mostly software development projects, I can reapply what I learn in Software development at work. Perfect!