I know some will leave this blog post immediately when they saw the title. I don’t blame them, it is something most people would rather not think about, or even to go as far as to deliberately avoid the subject all together. I’ve been spending some time thinking about my imminent end for months, I don’t know whether the conclusion I have will last the rest of my life, because I tend to rethink things over to make sure I got it right the first time, but it gave me peace, which is what I desperately need right now.

Introduction

It all started when I am about to fall asleep after a wonderful day, things fall into place nicely, I am heading to a right direction in my career, my weight gone down by 5 KG, in short I am enjoying my life to the fullest. Then all of the sudden, I was knocked back into consciousness by my own thought. I am not immortal, one day I will be gone and all this will not matter. Cold sweat starts to build up all over my body, I felt a lightning just went pass my body, my face numb, my lips dried out, suddenly I have the urgency to do something quickly to divert my thought.

Knowing Death

I tried to distract my mind by doing something at all times, but I know it is pointless. I can avoide the thought at daytime, but when the sun goes down and I am alone on my bed the same feelings reappear again. Cold sweat, numbed face and uneasy feelings start to build up in my heart.  I know need to do something about it, there is no running away when you have keep in touch with the realization of death.

I sit down on my lotus position and I start to focus on my mind with one thing, death. It is a terrifying experience, but I know I have to do it, it is the next step in my spiritual realization. The first question I asked myself was:

Why do I fear Death?

At first glace the answer to the question is quite straight forward, we fear death because we are afraid of death. When I run through the answer again and again in my head, it doesn’t feel right, but when I step back from the answer, I realized that I put too much emphasis on the word “Death” itself, the keyword here isn’t Death, the keyword is “Fear”. The fear of the unknown.

Do you remember the first time you ride on the roller coaster? You know it is 99% safe but you still feel sick to your stomach, it is uncomfortable to alter the current state of stability, but you know you can still step out of the que and go the other way. Death is different, it is a roller coaster ride that you can’t avoid, the moment you step foot on this world you already line up for it.

I felt trapped,  I am angry and scared at the same time. Why this have to happen to me? Why me? How about my dad? How about my brother? How about my friends? Everyone will be gone in 60 years or less and I am already 24 years old!

Paradigm Shift

I began to realize how important every moment is, I began to appreciate the Chicken Curry that my dad cooked for me occasionally, I appreciate how my friend tease my hair style every morning after I took off my motorcycle helmet, I appreciate how the rain starts to pour when I am about to go home. In short I appreciate every moment of everything, perhaps even more then I used to because I know it won’t last.

I want to list down what I want to do before I die, actually I already have the list in my mind but I want to crystallize it even more, break it down to small manageable and actionable chunks. I want to finish all I have started quickly, not because of the pressure I get from my boss, I want to free up my time to do other things as well. I want maximize the time I have left. The positive thing about knowing death is it will propel you to action.

The fear remains

But the fear remains, it is so deeply ingrain in my psyche that it is almost impossible to stop. I believe that the fear of death is there to protect ourselves from danger, we used to hunt tigers and elephant for lunch remember? If we don’t fear death at all, it doesnt really matter whether we survive the hunt or not.

Everything will be alright

Since death is imminnent, logically there is really no point to be afraid of it all the time, just wait for your time and know that everything will be alright. When we are born to this world we have no clue what’s ahead of us, but we still happilly going through our lives without fear and doubt. I believe that when we die, we will have the same, comforthing feelings too.

Regardless of what the recent studies shows about afterlife experiences, regardless of what religion or any knoble man told you about death, have faith that everything will be alright. And enjoy your life now.