Archive for August, 2008
Embracing the feeling of Sadness: Sometimes you feel sad for your life is good thing
Posted by Jackson Lim in Emotional Inteligence, Self Reflection on August 21, 2008
Frankly I am reluctant to lay my hands on this topic because I’m afraid I might send a wrong message to the people around me, I honestly do not want them to be worried, but I figure people who knew me well knows I have quite high Emotional Intelligence, so writing about this topic won’t be such a big deal. I am also worried that my current or future employer might stumble upon this blog post and found out all my weaknesses, I realized that no one is perfect in this world, if I am courageous enough to stand out and be vocal about my weaknesses, won’t be easier for me to overcome it and help me grow in the long run? Plus won’t be better for the employer to know all my strength and weaknesses first before they hire me? I already mentioned some of the following point during the annual performance review anyways.
In the past few days I felt absolutely terrible about myself, the reason is because next month, 16 September 2008 is my 2 year anniversary working as a professional Software Engineer, I’m sad and angry with myself because in the past 24 months I didn’t accomplish much in my professional life. I felt stagnant, I felt like a rotten vegetable. Although I have defined set of goals, I realized that majority of the baby goals I accomplished doesn’t reach maturity. I contemplated and realized a few things about my habit that landed myself on the current state:
Apparently I still fail in planning
Every time there is a major millstone coming up, I stop and stumbled because I am not prepared. I procrastinate because details overwhelmed me, then when I finally have the focus and energy to handle things that I am supposed to handle a few days ago, I am left with just enough time to shave my armpit. The funny thing is, I am fully aware that I am procrastinating, I know the repercussion of slacking off when I am supposed to do something more important, but at that point of time my mind is so overloaded with details I just failed to take action.
I burned off regularly, but luckily most of the time it is not due to my ignorance
Due to my high stress, short due date environment I tend to burned out once in a while. The scary part is, I really enjoy the fast paste long hours work day because I am doing what I love every single day. My point of failure is to know when enough is enough, I can punch a problem for more then 7 to 8 hours straight without skipping a beat. Although my method has its advantages, I learn things faster and I am stumbled upon new technological paradigm more often, my mental agility degrade more often then usual too, and when that happen, nothing can interrupt my mind during the state of recovery, luckily the time to took for me to reboot isn’t long.
I suck in managing money
Just look at my credit card statement and the problem is instantly apparent, I am thankful that my ignorance with money didn’t cause enough damage to make me broke, it is still not too late to recover although it will take me several months to clear off my debt. The root cause of the problem is I do not have a tiny bit of respect for money, I view money only as a tool for me to acquire stuff that I need, nothing more. I failed to understand the importance of having a solid financial future, because of that I did not pace my spending.
I didn’t exercise, because I am lazy
I am lazy because I didn’t exercise. I am getting fat, like 8 kg fatter, the BMI says I am mild overweight, some of my cloths doesn’t fit any more, I look like wrapped over burned bun if I wear a plain white T-shirt. Essentially I lost my mojo to my weight, but it is undeniable that I am cute now and not macho as I used to be. That is not good, not good at all.
I am very happy about my internal quality control because it make me feel sad and miserable for while, it is sort of a warning signal that let me know I am not on track with my life purpose. Has it not make me feel this way, I might drift further and further away from what I really want in my life, and before I knew it, I am laying in my coffin crying my heart out because I wasted my life.
How do you feel about your life?
If you don’t like it, change it, before it is too late.
Handling Expectation
Posted by Jackson Lim in Emotional Inteligence on August 12, 2008
It really doesn’t matter what role you are in right now in the present moment, you and me as an individual need to handle expectation on the daily basis. As a child you are expected to behave, as a student you are expected to study hard and get good grades, as an employee you are expected to earn a living to support yourself and your family, as a parent you are suppose to raise children that will contribute to the nation. Needless to say, if we really wrap ourselves in the thought of all those expectations on us, it is easy to lose grasp of self. What do we really want? What did our inner voice tells us? What do we think that is right?
I’ve come across several individuals whom is told what to do and how to do it since they learn how to walk, the parents basically choose the path for them throughout the way. They basically do not understand the importance of their decision, it will influence their whole life probably for the next 40 to 50 years. I know most of them have an idea of what they really want in life, but their decision on life is often influence by others, for example when I asked them what is their purpose in life, rarely they will dedicate a tiny portion of their purpose for themselves.
I am not trying to imply that everyone should be selfish, but the total opposite of the spectrum. Giving yourself the option to choose what you really want to do in life is how you should live your life, the people whom you dedicate your life to might not be there to guide you, or to be with you for the rest of your life. They might pass away, or get married to someone else, or grow up and get married, or go to college, or go to war. Who else you want to dedicate your life to? Your cat? Your Dogs? Your plants?
When you are born to this world, you are not expected to do anything. People around are content and happy even when you are asleep. But expectation builds the moment you step into the kindergarten, your teacher expect you to complete a simple puzzle in a short amount of time, you are expected to go to the toilet on your own. Then when you go to a primary school, you are expected to work on your grads in order to land on a better class, you are expected to work on your dreams whether it is the dreams of your own or an implant dreams.
The same thing happened when you land on your first job, you are expected to work on the things that people throw at you, you are expected to just keep quiet and hammer on the things that you need to get done before the end of the day. Am I talking about you? It definitely resonance with my early life as a young professional. Although I have the privilege to choose my own career, I fall flat to other people’s expectation of me, when I landed on my first job and end up doing very well, I suddenly feel like I’ve done it. Then I feel lost and totally out of sync with my inner rhythm.
I became wasteful, I felt empty inside and at lost with my inner needs. I began to buy things that I don’t really need in order to fill the gaps, I thought the physical things I own are able satisfy my inner cravings. But obviously it doesn’t, and I am able to realize that simple fact before my credit card go sour. I began the healing process, I start to realize how much damage I’ve done to my financial stability. Currently I am still suffering from my personal financial meltdown a few months ago, but luckily I am still able to cope with the situation.
In the contrary, I felt blessed that I am able to go through that learning process. Now I realize how important it is to know whats your life purpose are, and what you really want in life. Although there will never be total stability, but at least you are working your ass off for the things that really matters. There is really no point buying few hundred bucks shoe if you don’t like it, the most important thing is to feel comfortable in it, no matter how ugly it looks.
If you stop realizing your inner needs, and live each day just to satisfy others expectation, you officially becomes a machine. You have no say, and people will stop listening to your opinion. Choose the path that resonance with your heart, and expectation is just one of the equation, it is not a totality. I’ve read a couple of books that talked about expectation, but rarely they tackle this subject directly , I’m not sure why, my best guess is the authors realized that usually people whom are drown in expectation doesn’t consciously know.
The lost battle of Zhen: A hypothetical story about my career
Posted by Jackson Lim in Career on August 4, 2008
The wind is steady and the temperature at the field is warm and humid, but the men standing in line doesn’t seem to care much about their surroundings, in fact they don’t even give a damn if the enemy sneak from behind and slit their throat, their eyes are lazy and their feet is weak. Long gone the days where each step they took shook the ground, each time they shout the wind blows the opposite direction, each time they swing their mighty sword the sky roars with a flash of light. The days where enemies run for their lives when they heard the sound of the red armies breathing deeply are long gone, and almost forgotten.
Suddenly the sound of a heavy armor clinging break the silents, each solder stare at a young man that is covered with mud, filth break free from his boot each time he move forward, his steps is tired and draggy . That poor man doesn’t even have the energy to lift up his own sword, you can see a line on the ground created by the tip of his sword while he drag it forward. It is clear that this young man has seen better days, his face is covered with dried blood, his chest is torn and his left shoulder is injured with an arrow. The soldiers don’t know where he came from, and what sort of nightmare he has been through, curious and shocked, the soldiers mumbles between themselves and the noise seems to follow the young man while he walk towards the majesty like a wave at sea.
The head of the nation doesn’t look shocked at all, he is not intimidated by this young man but in contras, his majesty welcomed the young man sudden existence. While the young hero stare at his majesty, the excellency listen to his right hand man and nod his head with a grin on his face.
“YOU ANIMAL!” the young man shout. “How could you, how could you send us to such pointless battle!”
The crowd listen, and silents fills the air.
“You know very well that the majority of soldiers you sent are inexperience, they just came out from the academy less then a year ago, and you expect them to win the battle for you? We are greatly outnumbered, not only that, the battle require high tactical skills and stamina, you expect the soldier to gain experience during the battle? Are you insane? The soldiers doesn’t even have a chance, most of them died of fear even before they draw their weapons!” The young man’s face tighten up, he is obviously overwhelm with anger.
“Now now Zhen, there is nothing to be upset about. All those men are replaceable, even you. So why not just stand in line like everyone else, and be quiet.” The emperor stand up, and stare at the field of men like an eagle, browsing the soldier’s soul. “I gave all of you the best weapon in the whole of China, I gave all of you the best environment to learn and practice, what more you ask from your King?”
“Do you really think the weapons and environment is all that important? Do you think that is the only defining factor? Obviously you have not step into battle before. Look at your men, look at them. I can see their heart through their eyes, they are lifeless, they can’t even kill an elephant if all of your soldiers band together. They are worried, worried about their families at home, their parents and child at home are not well feed. Why? Because conquest is all that matters in your head, in your head…” The young soldier stab the ground with his broadsword, and try to hold on to it to stand up. “You do not understand how to be a man, it is not just about battle, it is about life, it is about living. Even if you own all the lands in the world, when your people are not happy, you as the emperor will not be happy too.” The young man struggles to continue, blood ooze out slowly from Zhen’s fragile body.
The young man is on his knees, “You do not deserve to be the emperor, you do not valu….” Before he could finish his speech, an arrow stab his back. His eyes is wide open, his mouth spills blood to the floor. He tries to support his weight with both of his palm on the floor, but it is pointless, he loss too much blood, he collapse to the ground facing up, and his breath got deeper and deeper, and finally he is gone. The solders gathered around his body, and they stare at the emperor with rage.