Failures is the mother of success…

Or other hoopla about how we shouldn’t really feel fear to attempt anything because failure is just a part of life. I bet the same people who promote such a thing has the same fear as all of us have, they still remember they day when they brought back the report card to their moms, only to get a night of beating. Or the day when they got a slap to the face when they try to kiss their first love. Everybody hate to fail, and when you are on the spot where you fail publicly, it is even more traumatizing. The most important thing about the failing business is to do not give up, pick yourself up and get going, confucius say:

It does not matter how slow you go, so long as you do not stop

Once you are on your feet, analyse and think carefully why you fail, is it because the method you use? Is there a better way of doing it? The worst thing you can do when you fail is to drink over it, you know you can’t possibly forget about it, no matter what you do. It is better for your emotional well being when you take steps to actually figure out why you landed here in the first place.

You know who is the real loser? Those people who stand in the sidelines, pointing and talking about how much you suck. Seriously, what benefit did they gain by doing that? What message are they trying to convey? To tell people they are smarter then you? Faster then you? More agressive then you? Ask yourself, so what if you are not that smart, study harder then them. So what if you are slower then them, take your time to make sure you don’t fall. So what if you are not that agressive, use a different approach. The most important thing is to keep going, get it done, and get it over with.

When you fail and give up, you lose. Think about it.

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Its easy to blame everything on myself, because the environment foster me to feel inadequate, insufficient to do the job. But once reality has settled in my mind, I come to realized that its simply not true. I know what I am capable of, it is the expectations of people around me that hasn’t come in to terms with reality. They need to understand that my experience and knowledge has limitation, that correlate with time. They need to understand that my innate ability to cope with stress and challenges isn’t what people expected, even I am shocked with my own shortcomings, but its true, and its real.

What really blow my mind, and caused a whole paradigm shift is my tendency to easily trust people, whom doesn’t deserve any of my trust at all. In fact I’m starting to regret some of the things I’ve said openly, but too bad, what has been done is done and there is nothing I can do anymore from this point onwards. But I’ve learned to be careful with people from now on, especially the ones who seems the most harmless. I’ll never really know people’s heart, the best I can do is to hope for the best from people, while I apply my defenses for the time being, until I can really, really trust a person.

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So when the time comes for me to upgrade my 9 year old Window XP machine, I naturally pick Linux flavored distribution like Ubuntu. I’ve played with Ubuntu when it first launched, it came out almost the same time as Window XP. Before I migrate to XP from Windows Millenium I tried out Ubuntu for 3 months, and back then, the driver support is just not there, the graphical user interface is awful, I have to spend a whole weekend just to make my audio jack work, don’t even get me started with the video card.

But after 8 years, I thought things must have changed a lot in the desktop open source world, I notice that the installation process for Linux server gets a lot easier and prettier, it wouldn’t be as bad as it used to be right? So I decided to go back to the Ubuntu path and give it a shot. Went to Ubuntu website and downloaded the ISO, I know how this work.

Installation

The installation was easy, just click a couple of buttons, check a couple of check boxes and I’m ready to go. It has become so fool proof, I bet even my little brother know how to do it.

Applications

There are tons and tons of app in the Ubuntu repository, more then what they have 9 years ago.  But no Microsoft Office, there is a decent alternative called Open Office. It can open any Word document without any hiccups, but don’t expect it to render the tables and font style appropriately, because it just can’t.  And if you save the document in Open Office, Microsoft Word can’t render the document properly either, both program don’t play well together.

Gnome User Experience

The latest Gnome interface looks good, for day to day usage I am comfortable with it. The window is sharp, the color is soothing, and best of all you can customize it anyway you want, as long as you are comfortable with the command line interface, and modifying configuration text files.

Bootup time

After 9 years of Window XP, the bootup time for Ubuntu Gnome desktop blows me away. It just take 20 seconds to load up on my desktop, and 35 seconds to shut down, it is unheard of in Windows community. Yes I know Window 7 can boot up and shut down almost as fast, but trust me buddy, after a while my linux will load up at the same amount of time, while your Window 7 will get slower and slower and slower by the day. Just google Window 7 bootup time yourself, some people is experiencing it already.

Audio

When my Ubuntu fire up for the first time, I am perplex as to why there is no welcoming music. I checked the preference and make sure that the volume is all maxed out, then I tried to play my mp3 audio, I can’t because Ubuntu support open standard only. Ok I understand that, I open up the repository to look for the MP3 format, wait for about 2 hours to complete the download while I just sit there staring at my screen.

Alright, the default music player kicks in and start playing the MP3 file, but no sound whatsoever. Maybe I need to restart my machine (Hint: I came from Windows world), when it quickly booted up again, I still didn’t hear any sound. Maybe there is something wrong with my hardware, I pull out my old Window XP hard disk and plug it back in again to test it out. 5 minutes later when Windows loaded up it plays its opening music just fine.

At that point my forehead start sweating, the nightmare I had with Desktop Linux 9 freaking years ago starts coming back to me. I launch my bitch (Google) and start looking for answers. And the following is the steps I troubleshoot my audio problem:

1. Find out my audio card model, I don’t even know the name because I don’t need to when I use windows.

2. Base on the name, I need to Google for any Ubuntu user who face the same problem.

3. Follow their instruction on how to fix it, and if it doesn’t work, maybe it is made in a different year, so try another set of instruction.

The instruction provided in the forum is not something like, double click the preference icon, check this and that, no no no, you need to open up the Terminal, key in a couple of commands and change the configuration file by hand using a text editor. If you are not careful, you screw something up in the configuration file, the whole operating system might not even start, then you are face with a whole new set of new challenges.

It is 2010 mind you, where people are planning to walk on Mars, and I still have to launch a text editor to make my audio jack work?

Video

I have a powerful video card on my desktop, but Ubuntu does not have any suitable driver for my video card. End of story, there are nothing else I can do in this department. I just have to live with a fact that there is 300 horse power sitting quietly inside my machine, doing absolutely nothing. I don’t play any games on my desktop anymore, so its fine, I can live with that, I think.

Reliability

Thunderbird failed to load after 2 weeks, it just can’t handle the amount of e-mail I have in my inbox. Some of my bookmark went missing in Firefox, it never happened to me before in XP, switched to Google Chrome for linux but it doesn’t support java applet, so I just have to live with that. For apps I use for work, its either the app stop working after a while, or the app just doesn’t exist in Linux.

After about a month using Ubuntu, it doesn’t want to boot up anymore, it says the following in the terminal:

“GRUB error: unknown filesystem, grub rescue”

I tried to use partition magic, I googled for solution, I’ve even went as far as to pay for support to get this fix because there are valuable information inside my hard disk, but to no vail. That is the last straw, since then I revert back to Windows XP, and soon after I migrate all my content to Mac OS X.

Linux is a great operating system for server environment where there is no user interface, but for desktop its simply too complicated for average usage, take my audio issue for an example, if this issue happen in Windows I just Googled for a new driver, install it and its done. I don’t have to go to the terminal, look for the configuration file, and edit the configuration file by hand, it is ridiculous.

Linux as a desktop environment simply doesn’t cut it for me. I’m sorry fanboys, I’ve tried, I’ve tried very hard for a month but I just can’t take it anymore.

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I’ve taken a few days off, alone in the house thinking about what I can do to improve things. After a long thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that there really isn’t any solution at all, I just have to bite the bullet and live with it for a while. I ended up to be where I am today because of my hunger for success, I have goals and dreams for my future and being a Project Manager is something I need to get use to before I can prepare myself for bigger things in life. I want to build my own company in the future, and being a Project Manager in an organization is like running a small company. It has problems, issues and pile of shit to deal with.

When things get rough, I just need to remind myself that this too shall pass, and what I learn in a day as a project manager will benefit me in the long run. I admit that sometimes I forget the bigger picture when things get too messed up, but hey I am only human right? Now I need to stay put, and wait for my experience to build. I saw a video the other day on youtube that really cause a shift in how I look at my situation, it is mumbled by Steve Jobs and it goes something like this:

“Passion is what cause people to do what they do during rough times, for normal people it is simply insane to hold on, but not for passionate people”

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That to me is my perfect morning, even writing about it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I know it is going to happen, I just hope that it happen sooner. In fact I wake up each day in the morning, thinking, “What the fuck am I doing right now?”, I should be doing exactly what I describe earlier. Instead I wake up feeling anxious, almost to the point where I feel like I want to throw up.  I feel tired and worn out, I know I have everything under control, the e-mail is where it belongs, I have all the task cut out for me in tiny peaces so I know exactly what I should be doing for the day, all the plans has been laid out and now just waiting for the projects to unfold. And yet I don’t feel like doing any of that, I don’t feel like doing anything at all! I’m fed up with problems, and issues, and complaint. On some morning, when I saw “Marley and Me” shown on HBO I cried out loud in the living room, not because of the story, I just want an excuse to let go of my frustration with my career.

I know being a Project Manager is not easy, and solving problems is part of the job description. But sometimes I feel like I am not ready to fit in the shoe, honestly on most days I feel like I am not up for the job. I know and I understand that I am inexperienced, and that feeling of not doing good enough is normal because I am not in my comfort zone anymore, what I am dealing now is totally different from being an Engineer or a Geek. As an Engineer I only need to deal with facts, 1 is 1 and 2 is 2, but as a manager I need to manage ambiguity, which will drive any self respecting Engineers to the wall. For example when the stakeholder say they want a website with black background, they don’t mean #000000, what they want is black gradient. Imagine you are a doctor, when the patient say their toe hurts, you must know they are actually referring to their liver! Nuts!

I’ve been laying down on the sofa for hours, thinking what I should be doing to change my circumstances, but so far nothing great pops up. In fact I think I’ve lost the passion to be excellent, I feel meaninglessness and emptiness. What I do doesn’t feel all that important anymore, all I want to do is to day dream about waking up in the morning, feeling absolutely fabulous…

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1. Point fingers at a person or a group of people and ask them to SHUT UP!

Example: While reading this post, look at the people around you. Point at the nearest group with passion, open your eyes wide open and shout “SHUT UP, I AM TRYING TO READ HERE!”

2. Ask anyone a question that they can’t possibly know the answer, and say how stupid they are for not knowing the answer

Example: “Hey Bob, do you know that there are many different types of Ping Pong bat in China?”, after a long pause, you say “STUPID, you call yourself a sport person, go to Bed!”

3. When a group of people is discussing passionately about something, interrupt them to let them know you knew what they are talking about

Example: “Jackson and Ray, listen, no need to argue. I KNOW for sure that the chicken comes first before the egg, because I study about it long ago”

4. Kept on interrupting a person when they are talking

Example:

Jackson: “I think the best…”

Bob: “The best way to move forward in this project is to use the spiral methodology”

Jackson:”Right, the goal for this phase is…”

Bob:”To make sure that the module is stable and functional”

Jackson: “Right.”

5. Comment about the physical appearance of a person, and make sure they realize it

Example: “Jackson, you look so dark. Your skin color is so dark, you look like a Malay Boy, do YOU know you look like a Malay Boy?”

6. Look away when a person is talking to you, and ask them to look at something that has no relation to what they are talking about

Example: While a friend is talking passionately about career advancement, you look away and say ”Yes, I agree. Yes Yes. OH! Look at this dress, it will look good in jeans AND kaki!”

7. Disagree about everything, regardless of context to show that you are smarter then them

Example: The air has oxygen? Nonsense, even an ant knows that it wasn’t true! Don’t spread lies Jackson.

8. Agree with everything they say, and tell them you know the facts long ago

Example: Yeah I know the air has oxygen long ago, when I am still studying in kindergarten.

9. While a person is giving you instructions, don’t write it down the first time, write it down the second time when you asked them to repeat the steps

Example: After the person has guide you through on how to record the VCR, you say “WOW it is so easy, please repeat your steps again, I want to write it down this time”

10. Give people advice regardless of whether they want your advice or not

Example: “Do you know that you can’t demand for respect, you must earn it”

If you use all the 10 steps listed above to gain respect, you should pat yourself on the back and say “I am such a loser, and I am sad”.

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Since I am able to taste the results from my previous endeavour, I want to see what else I am able to achieve if I follow the process more rigidly this time around. One aspect of my life that I want to see change immediately is my ability to manage time, I can’t seem to strike a balance between my personal life and work.  Currently I am able to set a day or two for my girlfriend Irene, and a day for my friends. While the remaining days is split between work, family and chores. But I know it doesn’t work because I am “burned out” occasionally, my personal projects didn’t get done, and I neglected some of my friends because of my schedule. Sorry Ray!

Managing time is not as straight forward as making up a to-do list, although that method works for some people, I’ve tried it for 30 days and it doesn’t work for me. So I develop a more elaborate process that cater specifically for my needs. The first step is to track where I actually spent my time, sometimes I am so indulge in what I do, I tend to forget what I have scheduled. Time just pass by unconsciously for me and before I realize it, the day is over. Since I spent a huge chunk of my time in front of the computer (Projects, Entertainment, Social Networking), the best way to track time is to use an automated software like Grindstone because it is not bias, and it is accurate. It can produce easy to read reports that I can refer to later.

Then,  I write down all ongoing projects in one master list, which is split between personal projects and work related projects and plot them throughout the week. By the way Personal projects consist of maintaining relationships with my friends and family, personal development studies, Slipperylips CMS development and etcetera. I don’t try to totally fill my weeks with stuff to do to allow surprises or unexpected circumstances, I plot one whole week for work related project and another whole week for my own personal projects. Base on my research, most of the highly successful managers organize their time that way, they claimed that alternating weeks between personal and work related projects help them focus and has increased their productivity tremendously.

I plan to stick with this regime for 30 days and see what impact it has on my personal effectiveness. Throughout this 30 days I will post my findings and lesson learned, I hope my investment in time pays off.

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The mindset of a project manager in an organization is exactly like a small business owner, you have staff to manage and products to role out,  you have customers to satisfy and board of directors to report to. To me it is an excellent learning ground for me to learn the business inside out, and to really understand and get the feel of what I’ve got myself in to. It is not easy to be good at what I do, because of my lack of knowledge in project management and my lack of experience. But I will work my pants off to make sure I learn as much as I can from my seniors, and from books and notes.

Each and everyday I wake up fresh and ready for a new day, I guess that is the best sign that I am indeed moving in the right direction.

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Basically the premise of the believer is that, without God there is no foundation for morality, or rather God is the foundation of morality itself. For non believer, specifically Atheist, they don’t really need to be moral because to them  everybody will die the same way, regardless of whether they have raped others or not. For Atheist there are no judgement day, no hell or heaven to strive for so what stop them from committing crime to humanity. For Atheist however, they argue that there is no need for God to be a good person, because the advance homosapiens, which is us are hard wired in our brain to be good, base on the Darwinian law of natural selection, if we are not moral, we could wipe out our own species, so it is just natural to us humans to not have sexual intercourse with our brothers and sisters. It has nothing to do with the divine. The argument will go on and on and both parties will quote famous scientist from various field to support their argument.

For me personally, I concur with the believer’s argument that every action we take has its consequences, but, I do not believe that someone up there is keeping score on me and judge me every single moment of my life, and when I die I’ll receive the full “payment” of my deeds. The consequences of my action will arise naturally base on my action and decision with the simple logic of cause and effect, allow me to elaborate. I am an Engineer, although I am not a very good one, Engineers tends to optimize processes to its maximum efficiency. If there is really a God up there, and assumed that God exist in a timeless and space-less realm,  and God has infinite power, keeping track and looking after every single creation individually throughout the cosmos is highly inefficient. I am not implying that God can’t do it, of course God can, God can do anything. But with simple observation from nature, all God’s creation is beautifully Engineered, well balanced and not surprisingly, highly efficient.

There is no way for mere mortals like me to comprehend or understand God’s divine plan, but if, and this is a gargantuous IF, I was given a chance to create the universe, I honestly don’t want to babysit every single one of my creation like noting down whether your next door neighbor’s kid named Bob is naughty or not. I will come up with a system that will keep everything in check on its own, and it will be self sufficient because I couldn’t be bothered, I have other, more Godly things to worry about. You keep track of your own score, if your score is high you will automatically attract good things to happen in your current life or your next life and vice versa.

Now back to human’s perspective, I strongly believe in the law of Karma, and with Karma you don’t need God to be good. Do a bit of study on it, try to understand it and think for yourself, if you are Jebus, what will your father do?

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I stare at my face in the mirror, saw those lazy eyes and I feel like a bum. How can I allow myself to be lazy, how can I allow myself to be tired? Where is the energy I had? Where have it gone I wonder. Then I thought about a million things I have to do in the office, people rely on me to get things done. Yet I feel like there is no body who is backing me up, no body really cares about the little me inside, as long as I get the wheel turning. I know it is not true, people do care but how come I don’t feel the love? Maybe I am just asking too much. Put my cloths on and kick start my bike, I gotta say that it is the must interesting part of my day, when I ride my bike around the highway.

During the ride to work I contemplated on my feelings, why do I feel this way? What is the root cause of my problem? Saw the front door to my office and I still don’t know. Maybe it is something that will go away with time. But one thing is for sure, I need more sleep, a lot more sleep.

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