Archive for category Career
Trust, Expectation, and Limitation
Posted by Jackson Lim in Career on July 19, 2010
Lately I’ve been forced to face a lot of my own shot comings due to the fact that my actions has been scrutinized and analyzed by selected few who’s passion is to see me fall. I can understand their motive, its hard to see one of their own move forward without them, it is just human nature. But I have to face the music day in and day out by those who don’t really understand the circumstances, who don’t really care about the truth of the matter, and just want to go home with an open heart, believe sincerely that they have did the right thing. I learned recently, there are even 1 or 2 people who openly rallied for me, but in actual fact all they are doing is protecting their own interest.
Its easy to blame everything on myself, because the environment foster me to feel inadequate, insufficient to do the job. But once reality has settled in my mind, I come to realized that its simply not true. I know what I am capable of, it is the expectations of people around me that hasn’t come in to terms with reality. They need to understand that my experience and knowledge has limitation, that correlate with time. They need to understand that my innate ability to cope with stress and challenges isn’t what people expected, even I am shocked with my own shortcomings, but its true, and its real.
What really blow my mind, and caused a whole paradigm shift is my tendency to easily trust people, whom doesn’t deserve any of my trust at all. In fact I’m starting to regret some of the things I’ve said openly, but too bad, what has been done is done and there is nothing I can do anymore from this point onwards. But I’ve learned to be careful with people from now on, especially the ones who seems the most harmless. I’ll never really know people’s heart, the best I can do is to hope for the best from people, while I apply my defenses for the time being, until I can really, really trust a person.
Passionate about the future
Posted by Jackson Lim in Career on July 11, 2010
I am thankful to have so many great friends around to land a hand during such trouble times, a handful of them learn about my ordeal in my previous blog post, while others heard about it during a face to face conversation. The only way I can repay them is with my time and concentration during their suffering, and that I promise. Surprisingly a lot of people understands how is it like to be loss in ones career, the position or title they carry isn’t what they expect it to be, and they know the stress and frustration when they can’t do the best they can in the job they love. On a lighter note, I am very happy to know that a lot of my buddies really love their job!
I’ve taken a few days off, alone in the house thinking about what I can do to improve things. After a long thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that there really isn’t any solution at all, I just have to bite the bullet and live with it for a while. I ended up to be where I am today because of my hunger for success, I have goals and dreams for my future and being a Project Manager is something I need to get use to before I can prepare myself for bigger things in life. I want to build my own company in the future, and being a Project Manager in an organization is like running a small company. It has problems, issues and pile of shit to deal with.
When things get rough, I just need to remind myself that this too shall pass, and what I learn in a day as a project manager will benefit me in the long run. I admit that sometimes I forget the bigger picture when things get too messed up, but hey I am only human right? Now I need to stay put, and wait for my experience to build. I saw a video the other day on youtube that really cause a shift in how I look at my situation, it is mumbled by Steve Jobs and it goes something like this:
“Passion is what cause people to do what they do during rough times, for normal people it is simply insane to hold on, but not for passionate people”
Lost the Passion in Life
Posted by Jackson Lim in Career on June 22, 2010
Wake up in the morning feeling absolutely fabulous, turn to my left and there she is, sleeping soundly while the wind blow though the window while the early sun shine right through. I can’t resist but to touch her bare back gently with my lips, she smell so nice. I put both feet on the ground, feeling the fabric beneath by feet while I took the first deep breath. I smell earth, and grass, and the tree. Open the door while I button my white shirt, took the car key and lock the front door swiftly. Right in front of me there are rows of grape tree, lining up unnaturally. I can feel my heart pounding when I see my beautiful Aston Martin parked there right in front of my British cottage, I start the car and the roaring engine break the silence of the early morning. Put the roof down, and tackled the corner gently, enough to make me feel uneasy. Put my car to park right in front of a lovely coffee shop with muffin, sip a cup of cafe latte while savoring the awesomeness of life.
That to me is my perfect morning, even writing about it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I know it is going to happen, I just hope that it happen sooner. In fact I wake up each day in the morning, thinking, “What the fuck am I doing right now?”, I should be doing exactly what I describe earlier. Instead I wake up feeling anxious, almost to the point where I feel like I want to throw up. I feel tired and worn out, I know I have everything under control, the e-mail is where it belongs, I have all the task cut out for me in tiny peaces so I know exactly what I should be doing for the day, all the plans has been laid out and now just waiting for the projects to unfold. And yet I don’t feel like doing any of that, I don’t feel like doing anything at all! I’m fed up with problems, and issues, and complaint. On some morning, when I saw “Marley and Me” shown on HBO I cried out loud in the living room, not because of the story, I just want an excuse to let go of my frustration with my career.
I know being a Project Manager is not easy, and solving problems is part of the job description. But sometimes I feel like I am not ready to fit in the shoe, honestly on most days I feel like I am not up for the job. I know and I understand that I am inexperienced, and that feeling of not doing good enough is normal because I am not in my comfort zone anymore, what I am dealing now is totally different from being an Engineer or a Geek. As an Engineer I only need to deal with facts, 1 is 1 and 2 is 2, but as a manager I need to manage ambiguity, which will drive any self respecting Engineers to the wall. For example when the stakeholder say they want a website with black background, they don’t mean #000000, what they want is black gradient. Imagine you are a doctor, when the patient say their toe hurts, you must know they are actually referring to their liver! Nuts!
I’ve been laying down on the sofa for hours, thinking what I should be doing to change my circumstances, but so far nothing great pops up. In fact I think I’ve lost the passion to be excellent, I feel meaninglessness and emptiness. What I do doesn’t feel all that important anymore, all I want to do is to day dream about waking up in the morning, feeling absolutely fabulous…